Well, Considering you haven't seen me yet, I thought it would be a good idea to add some photos on, so you can put a face to all these blog posts... so here you go!
Here is me and my friend Caitlin at prom. And here's me in my prom dress looking girly.
(Note that I am wearing tiny heels and she is in high heels)
This morning consisted of me getting up, laying all my homework out on my bed, looking at it and then magically ending up on YouTube...then the Topshop website...and then it was conveniently time for my singing lesson had had to get ready and leave. I really don't know how it happened.
I did however do a bit of a job search. Do you know how stressful this process is with bad broadband? Loading all these different search pages just wasn't working and when they did I couldn't find anything suitable, but in what can only be described as ultimate desperation, I applied to be and Elf. Yes an Elf. Now I didn't think there would be any trouble with me getting this job as all I have to do is dress up, stand somewhere and entertain the children in the line before they go and see Santa. So after spending about an hour filling in an application form online and having a domestic with my Wi-Fi router, I was finally on the last page. The end was in sight and the overwhelming thought of finishing was somewhat relieving. But as you will learn, whenever I tend to get so close to something ( and usually when I tend to use big posh fancy words on here to describe my happiness) something was wrong. Not with my CV. Not even with my application in fact. It was my height.
This is actually quite sad. On the last page where it asked me to upload a photo and insert my measurements, it gave me a drop down box to select my height form and the tallest it went to was 5ft 5. My dreams of being a Christmas elf were ruined. Now I can understand why they want small people but come on, really ! Leave it until the last page to tell me I have to be 5ft 5 and under ( and yes I did go back and read everything and no where did it mention any height limit ). Then it got me thinking...
Don't be worried, it wasn't dangerous this time, but it made me think about what it would be like to be small. Words can not describe how much i would like to be small or at least average height. Yes being tall has its advantages and a lot of people love or would love to be as tall as me, but I hate it. I can't find a boyfriend (not that any boys are interested in me anyway) that is taller than me, I have to duck down in the back of the car when my mum is driving because I block the back window and nothing fits me properly. So far, being tall has never had any positive influences on my life and I even get moaned at when I wear heels because I look like an electricity pylon. And now i can't even be an elf and earn a bit of extra cash at my local garden centre because I'm the BFG - my ears are almost as big as his to.
People always say to me 'You're so lucky', 'I wish i was as tall as you' and 'You should be a model' which has now turned into 'But you're a model so you need to be tall' but I completely disagree with them. I feel unfeminine being this tall a lot of the time as clothes are ill fitting, my feet are huge to balance it out so i have to look in the men's section or buy really big ladies shoes online which can be expensive and just generally a nuisance. I remember last year in class, we were sat watching a short clip of a film in a lesson and the girl behind be shouted at me because I was blocking her view because I was so tall. People have always made jokes about my height as well calling me 'The Big Friendly Giant' and other names to that effect. It gets me down a lot of the time because I just feel big in general compared to my friends who all have quite short, petite frames. Now I'm only a size 8/10, but I look a lot bigger because of my height and this has lead me to a lot of upset and medical problems through compulsive dieting and simply not eating.
I tried everything just to try and stop me growing and maybe make me smaller. My theory was that if I lost so much weight and stopped eating, maybe I would look smaller and shrink a bit. Now this was obviously ridiculous and was never going to get me anywhere but in my mind, all I kept thinking was about how big and gross I was and how small I could potentially be. Normal was all I wanted to be or at least not identified as being the giant, so that when my friends and I go shopping, I could not only find shoes that would fit me in the women's section or pretty clothes that weren't from the more mature 'Tall' section, but I could try on high heels and fitted dresses with them, being a proper girl. I do enjoy a lot of stereo typically male things, like cars, robots and general mechanics, but I am a very girly girl who loves nothing more than doing her makeup and hair, going out and having a girly night. The worst experience of my height definitely has to be at dancing. As i'm tall, I have to be placed at the back a lot, otherwise the person behind me can't be seen and this was fine when i first moved up into the highest class as all my friends and I were on the same level and weren't as good as the more experienced older dancers who were in front of us. However, as I had progressed and got older, as well as getting to be at the highest levels, I also continued to grow, and as my friends were moved forward to the front rows, I was left at the back with all the newbies who had just moved up and were on the lower grades. This literally knocked all my confidence in continuing in the performing industry as well as a lot of other incidences and made me feel like I was an inconvenience or somewhat a burden on the group. I still often look at patterning work in the mirrors now when we are doing troupe formations and when everyone else is at a similar height, looking like a proper team, I'm the lanky kid stuck on the end at the back, looking out of place and awkward. Its not a nice feeling and I still hate myself in many ways now.
But its something that no matter what I do, I can't change and I have just got to accept my height, as much as I hate it. Maybe one day I will learn to embrace it, but as a girl, I have my insecurities - many in fact - and my size is ultimately one of my biggest hates. Anyone could tell me I was stupid and should enjoy it but the truth is, when it comes to being a bit feminine, or finding someone taller than me to date, or even at dancing, it always holds me back and limits me in some way, rather than giving me advantages and more options. I'm determined to loose weight ( I will blog about this some other time) and maybe then I will be happier, but for all you tall girls out there who feel the same, keep following my blog because I may do a few posts on clothes stores for tall girls and anything else tall related. Maybe you could even comment below how you feel about being tall.
Anyway, like always i'm going to 'keep smiling' and you should to !
Niamh
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