Helloooo !
Sorry I haven't blogged for a while ! I've not been having the best couple of days to be perfectly honest so I didn't really feel like sitting down for long enough to type a post that would be somewhat interesting to everyone. All I've done since Friday afternoon is mumble around upset but I had the time today and felt positive enough to blogg for you... yay!
So today's post is about confidence. I did do a post similar to this but after the last few days another issue arose, hence me being miserable (ooo Les Miserables- 'On my ownnn ') and thought it would be useful or maybe a little bit interesting for you who follow me and my weird life. So we were at sixth form at lunch and a close friend in a completely innocent and jokingly way told me my arse looked. They wouldn't ever try to upset me and didn't mean to on this occasion either but it kinda did. So I laughed it off, well I just ran away from the situation to be honest, and had a little cry in the toilets. What is wrong with me? In our toilets we have a full length mirror which really didn't help and I must have been stood there for about 5 minutes sorting my eyes out because I had developed a mascara flowing Niagara falls that was tickling down my cheeks, but also looking at my figure in the mirror.
Last year was a vile year for me. Not only had I got Mum to worry about and an imbecile of a step dad, my head was anything but straight (but still basketball sized). Control was something that I didn't have and without it, coping everyday wasn't an option. I had no control over the upset at home, my grades were slipping and all I wanted was to feel like I could potentially monitor and control one aspect of my life. I didn't feel good enough for anything but I often suffered in silence, not wanting to feel like a burden on my friends because hanging out with the miserable ('At the barricades of freedom!' - ohh dear ) kid wasn't ideal. Then one day I threw up, nice i know and it was almost like a form of release for all the anger, frustration and confusion I had going on. It then became a regular occurrence, twice and if I was lucky three times a day. Looking back on it now makes me feel so ill and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But like I said, I got over the Bulimia and got back on the mend. I've started to feel better about my figure, now at a healthy size 8/10.
But I'm anything but stable. After this comment was made, it reminded me of the past, how it made me feel at the time and how I saw myself and looking in that full length mirror made me feel exactly the same as I used to. So when I got home, I went upstairs. For the rest of the day I sat in my room crying and refusing to eat. Obviously this is completely unhealthy and not a good idea but in my head, all that I was trying to do was control something. Sitting on my bed, with my head in my duvet, I looked at myself again across the room in the mirror and felt sick. I literally hate myself.
So to try and cut a longer story long, I want to change and will do whatever it takes to try and slim up even more. It's amazing what one comment can do to someones self confidence and I've decided that enough is enough. Its going to take a while again but I know my close friends are reading this and will help me through it. So I'm dieting !
Shakes seemed like a good option. Breakfast and lunch, then a healthy meal with meat and veg for dinner. I'm going to give it a go and see how it turns out, blogg how I'm feeling emotionally and physically as well as whats been going on in my day and maybe upload pictures depending on my confidence levels. Exercise is also highly important and as I'm out of dancing at the minute due to tearing my thigh muscle, I'm going to do some core work to tone my tummy and improve its strength. So i will be trying different work out videos and regimes which I will link and comment on here which I'm actually really excited about. Hopefully it will improve my skin as well which is always a bonus ! 5 bottles of water a day is another target I want to work my way up to because I don't drink enough in general let alone of water.
But after all that, thank you so much for all the kind emails you guys are sending me! After only starting this a matter of days ago I have already had such a warm and welcome response which makes me happy and I finally feel like I have a purpose as well as helping people which gives me great pleasure. Knowing my day stories and how I managed to get through my past is helping you makes me strive to continue being strong. Thank you so much as well for all the compliments and your tips because they mean a lot, trust me.
Keep smiling friends - Tomorrow is a better day
Niamh x
P.S sorry for the bad Les Miserables jokes...it just had to be done !
No comments:
Post a Comment