Stronger

Helloooooo !

How are you all ? Amazingly Brilliant I hope :)


(Deborah, Caitlin, Me and Frankie)
So today has been eventful. My little sister, who i don't think I have actually mentioned yet had a dance competition so we were all up this morning at the crack of dawn getting her ready. Glitter was everywhere and as i walked out of the lounge i choked on a cloud of hairspray...the normal. So I was on sandwich duty as I was staying at home all day working. But as I was up and my Sociology essay did not look or sound appealing in the slightest, i texted my friend Deborah in urgent need of a shopping trip.

Me and Debbie have been friends since year 7, but began to get particularly close from yr 10 onwards. She is about 5ft 4 ish and has the most beautiful, long, dark hair I have ever seen in my entire life - can you tell I'm a little bit jealous? Well we went shopping didn't we, but our shopping experience is the same as most teenagers I know.We look at all the pretty things that we can't afford and gossip about anything interesting that's been happening at college. Its all well and good having student discount but I still need the remainder of the money in the first place (and considering I'm too tall to be a Christmas Elf, I don't think it will be happening anytime soon...I'm not bitter at all). Anyway, after running though the rain, hoping not to bump into anyone, I finally got to her in the shopping centre and we went for a wonder. We literally went everywhere! But in the end the only thing I brought were large cotton wool pads.

It wasn't very exciting to be honest but it was nice to just spend some time with my friend and chill. Friends mean a lot to me and over the past two years, I don't know what I would have done without them. I certainly wouldn't be where here today writing all this because things would have turned out a lot more differently.

It was a Thursday evening and I had just got back from dancing so I was tired and ready for my bed. Everything seemed normal and I went to my room. Mum has always been ill ever since I can remember but recently she had been getting worse. My step dad had been taking her to the hospital as they were both concerned at the time as to what was wrong, but they simply kept sending her away, giving her pain killers and telling her to rest. Her condition deteriorated and in the end, mum demanded that she went to have further tests as there was an underline problem that wasn't being identified. I didn't know exactly what tests they had been doing but all I knew was that the results were coming through soon.

So I've been in my room for 24 minutes exactly and I get called downstairs with my sister. Being the reluctant teenager I would have normally asked why, but there was something about the whole atmosphere that night that had felt uneasy and uncertain, so I simply followed instructions and went downstairs. However I had already been fearing the worst about my mum. A girl I sat next to in my class used to ask me about her and we would discuss what new news I had on the situation. It was that Tuesday when we began questioning what it could be. After describing the symptoms lesson after lesson she was only suggesting the more minor possibilities, like Arthritis, but that lesson I said to her that I thought it was Cancer and she told me to stop being so silly and to not think the worst.

'I have been having scans at the hospital. I don't know how to tell you this girls but I promise you before hand everything will be OK'. She didn't even have to say it and I already knew. In fact, she couldn't say it and my arse hole of a step dad at the time blurted it out. 'She's got cancer, Hodgkin's Lymphoma ,stage 4 and is going to have to have chemotherapy so will loose all her hair.' Obviously my sister started crying and cuddled my mum whilst they both sobbed their hearts out. My step dad left the room to get a drink and I went to my room. I didn't cry until I had shut my door, sat on my bed and after about five minutes, single tears trickled down my face. Crying in front of her would have only made things worse. I prayed and went to sleep.

The following morning was a Friday, so a school day. I looked rough and had no motivation to do any makeup and my hair was still curly form the night before, so I left for the bus. Telling my friend Anna at the bus stop was the first challenge and we both ended up in tears. When the rest of the bus asked why, I couldn't answer. Hannah was crying and school didn't know yet so I was taken by some friends to my form teacher who I then broke down on completely, as well as my friends. And then I had to grow up.

As mums condition deteriorated, so did a lot of things. Turns out my step dad was a psycho and he turned abusive, almost instantly when mum showed signs of weakness, towards all of us. So we could have no outside helpers come in as it was deemed too dangerous, leaving mum to fend for herself during the day whilst practically immobile and me and my sister doing the same, looking after her when we got home from school. My grades slipped obviously and I was taken out of many lessons due to my emotional instability, social worker meetings and just simply due to teachers being concerned for me. I hated myself from then on and ended up in a real mess with Bulimia, as it was one of the only things I could have some control over as everything else in my life was falling apart. Family couldn't always come, and that's after my step dad had stopped telling them to leave mum alone because she was too tired and had mental issues. What kind of sick human being does that? But the one thing I could always count on through all this was my friends.

I'm back on track now. I achieved A*-B in all my exams, got a place in sixth form and hoping to go to Uni in 2 years.  None of this would have happened if I hadn't had my friends around me, at the other end of a phone at whatever time. I can safely say I have the best group of friends in the world and my particularly close friends were there for me every step of the way and are still there today, right next to me, a few inches shorter, but with hearts bigger than anyone's. Debbie is one of those friends along with Frankie (who was busy today so couldn't come shopping with us but normally would do) and Caitlin (who had to go to a different 6th form and we miss her very much) and Abi (the girl who doesn't know she's amazing, talented and needs a confidence boost), who are my Best Friends but also an extension of my family. There are many more and they know exactly who they are because they are the ones who are reading this blog now, in its early stages and supporting me all the way. The sad thing is that there is no way on earth that I can repay them for everything they have done, whether it be forcing me to eat something at lunch, or simply asking me if I needed anything. But I should hope they know I am eternally grateful for everything. I don't cry much anymore - maybe because I've ran out of tears but I'm sat here tying this Blog with tears trickling down my cheeks and landing on my lap.

Mums getting better now and we are rid of the prat of a step dad (sort of but that's another story), but there are a lot of problems we are trying to deal with that most people by now would have given up on, but me, mum and Hannah as a unit are stronger than any of the problems that are thrown at us and together we will get through them, with the help from my army of friends, and its days like today where I noticed how far we have come as a family. So you were probably wondering where I ended up getting from dance comps to mums illness but today, my sister Hannah managed to win 2nd place in her category out of 37 top dancers. I was so proud of her and it made me realize how much things have changed in the last few years, but we are still going strong, achieving our goals and supporting each other. Mum is well enough to be taking us to our comps and has a full head of hair (which at comps last year she didn't and was wearing a headscarf). And I was out with my friend Deborah, being a normal teenage girl, skint, looking for a job and having a laugh with my girl.

Like I said...today has been eventful.

Keep Smiling

Niamh